When you’re caring for an aging parent, you’ll find yourself dealing with many emotions – theirs as well as yours. It’s a challenging time, and with that comes a lot of tough things to think about. You may find yourself becoming angry about small things for no reason, or your calm and level headed parent may suddenly start acting irrationally. Navigating those emotions along with the everyday difficulties of caregiving can be overwhelming.
“This is a hard time for everyone, and it’s important first to acknowledge that all the emotions you’re feeling are normal and natural,” says Reshma Nair, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Andover, a memory care assisted living community in Andover, MA. “Trying to push the feelings aside will only serve to make them worse. Instead, identify the emotions you’re feeling, notice what causes them and seek support. Accepting your emotions and working through the difficulties will allow you to move through them and experience love, compassion and even joy as your parent ages.”
Reshma says that remembering what’s most important – the relationship between you and your loved one – will help you focus your emotions and develop coping strategies. “No matter how complicated your relationship with your loved one is, you need to know how to manage these complex feelings so you can maintain a relationship and manage the situation as well as possible,” she says.
Common Emotions You May Experience
Denial. This is one of the very first things you (and your loved one) may experience. When a decline in function or capability first occurs, it’s common to try and convince yourself that it’s a fluke, that’s it’s not really happening or that it will go away if you ignore it. As an adult child, the idea that your parent is no longer the strong and capable person you’ve always known them to be is scary. Same for your loved one – no one wants to face the reality of aging and suddenly having limitations.
Anger. Anger is another very common emotion. As an adult child, you may be angry at a parent for getting sick, forgetting things you just told them or putting this burden on you. Even when you know they’re not doing it on purpose, your anger has to be directed somewhere. Your loved one may show anger toward you as well (even though their anger is actually about the situation, not about you in particular).
Resentment. Resentment is a sister emotion to anger. You may feel resentful that your parents are taking up so much of your time and energy, or resentful that you have to put your life on hold in order to care for them.
Fear. Fear tends to be at the root of all of the other emotions you may be feeling. Your parents are probably fearful about losing control, becoming unable to care for themselves and what the future will hold. You’re probably feeling the same way. The unknown is scary for all of us, particularly when you’re facing down a life-changing situation.
Guilt. Guilt is the ever-present companion of caregivers and parents alike. As a caregiver, no matter how much you may be doing, you will probably feel guilt that you aren’t doing more. Or perhaps you feel guilty that you weren’t there for your parents in the past, or that you didn’t notice when they first got sick, or a number of different other triggers. Your parents, on the other hand, may feel guilty that this has happened to them, that they’ve become a burden or that you’ve had to sacrifice part of your life in order to assist them.
Tips for Coping with Difficult Emotions
Acknowledge what you’re feeling. As we mentioned before, denying your emotions and trying to box them away will only lead to them exploding in some fashion down the road. Give your parents and yourself the opportunity to absorb what you’re feeling and accept that this is a natural part of the process.
Talk it out. Communication will be your secret weapon now and in the times to come. If you and your parents have a great relationship, you may be able to talk through your emotions honestly and work through the difficulties together. Or, you may wish to have a third party to talk with. Having a space where you can speak openly and honestly about your feelings and find a way to move forward will be cathartic.
Forgive yourself (and each other). No one is perfect, and no one expects you to be perfect. By giving yourself permission to be “good enough” (and forgiving your loved one for the things they aren’t able to control), you’ll be better able to purge the negative emotions you’re feeling and move forward in a healthy manner.
Give yourself a break. It’s important for both you to find opportunities to step away from the situation and do some self-care. Maybe that’s taking a half-hour to read a book, or get coffee with a friend or take a long, hot bath. Or you may want to hire respite care or another form of assistance to give you (and your loved one) a break.
Find healthy ways to cope. Eating right, getting enough exercise and sleeping through the night will leave you and your loved one feeling as healthy and capable as possible. At the same time, pay attention to your body and your mind, and if you find yourself becoming overly depressed or stressed, talk to a professional.
“Remember above all that you are not alone in this,” says Reshma. “Many people have experienced or are going through the same things you and your parents are dealing with, and help is available. Reach out to friends, join our caregiver support group or get in contact with a community like Bridges by EPOCH at Andover. This can be a stressful and difficult time, but there are so many support avenues available that can help you nurture a strong relationship and future with your aging loved one.”
Exceptional Care. Engaging Lifestyle.
Bridges® by EPOCH at Andover provides specialized memory care in an assisted living environment that is comfortable, positive and welcoming. Built solely to care for those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia, Bridges® by EPOCH at Andover creates a wellness-focused, engaging lifestyle that respects individual preferences, focuses on residents’ abilities and creates meaning in daily life.
Dedicated Memory Care.
Through every stage of memory loss, residents and their families have complete peace of mind. Our compassionate dementia care and unique programs are tailored to meet the physical, cognitive and emotional needs of each resident wherever they are on their own journey, allowing them to age in place safely, comfortably and with dignity.
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Featuring a stunning residential design, Bridges® by EPOCH at Andover is much more than a beautiful place to live; it’s a community where residents’ lives are enriched and families enjoy meaningful moments together. Our research-based design features soft colors and lighting, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life-enrichment stations that empower residents to explore their homes with confidence.
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