Alicia Seaver is the Vice President of Memory Care Operations for EPOCH Senior Living and a Certified Memory Impairment Specialist. Every month, she addresses a specific issue related to memory and memory care. If you’re interested in hearing about a particular topic, please send a note to [email protected].

Q: My husband has dementia, and I am his primary caregiver. I’m already seeing our relationship start to change as the disease progresses. How can I find ways to preserve our relationship as we move through this journey?

A: Taking care of a loved one with dementia is never easy. Because of the progressive nature of the disease, caregivers find their relationship constantly changing and shifting. But there’s an additional layer of difficulty and grief that comes about when you’re a spousal caregiver. You may be feeling like you’re not just losing your loved one, but you’re also losing the future you had imagined for yourselves.

Whether you’re caring for a spouse or an aging parent, or simply watching someone close to you navigate their dementia journey, there is one thing in common: a shifting relationship that you still wish to honor, strengthen and celebrate. While there are no cookie-cutter solutions for how to navigate these changes, there are some common insights that can help you draw inspiration, comfort and useful tips.

As Vice President of Memory Care Operations for EPOCH Senior Living, I’ve spoken to many family members about ways to connect with their loved one and honor their changing relationship. Here are some of the best tips I have learned from watching individuals just like you make their way through this journey.

Honor them as the person they are.

Even though dementia causes your loved one to act differently, it’s important to remember that, inside, they are the same person they always have been. The relationship that you have built over the years remains as well. That’s why it’s important to remember your love and find ways to honor him or her in all your interactions. Think about how you would wish to be treated in their shoes. Try to always remember that their actions are due to a disease of the brain – and not a desire to hurt or aggravate you. This can help you find grace and acceptance even in the most trying times.

Go with the flow.

People with dementia don’t typically understand that they are suffering from a disease, which is why using logic to handle situations of confusion, disorientation or forgetfulness don’t work well. The kindest thing you can do for your loved one and yourself is to simply go with the flow and learn to avoid futile battles. Instead of putting unrealistic expectations or demands on your loved one with memory loss, choose to live in the moment with them as much as possible. This will hopefully help you to reduce anxiety and frustration, and in turn, result in a calmer, kinder atmosphere where you and your loved one can strengthen your relationship every day.  

Share experiences together.

Even though dementia steals away many of the memories your loved one has, that doesn’t mean you can’t continue to share new experiences and live each day in the moment. One of the things I often say to families is “life doesn’t end with a dementia diagnosis.” You may need to find new ways to connect and adapt favorite activities, but don’t stop living, enjoying, and sharing your life together. Don’t dwell on the negatives or what your loved one may no longer be able to do; instead, focus your energy on creating moments of joy together every day.

Take time to honor the relationship you once had.

This is especially important for spousal caregivers, but it is not exclusive to them. The loss of the relationship you knew is sad and unfortunately a continuing process, so it’s okay to allow yourself to take the time to mourn what was. Many caregivers suffer from what is known as the ambiguous loss of dementia – the loss you feel when a loved one is physically here, but not mentally or emotionally present in the same way as before. It’s also okay (and normal) to want to continue loving that person in the same way you once did.

One book I recommend for spousal caregivers is Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope while Coping with Stress and Grief by Pauline Boss. It’s an excellent resource that shares ways you can manage your ongoing stress and grief, while also embracing what remains of your relationship and maintaining positivity for the future.

Enhancing Quality of Life

Bridges® by EPOCH communities have been developed from the ground up to anticipate, meet and exceed the needs of our residents and their families. Our team of remarkable people, the exceptional care and services we offer and the purposeful design of our buildings all combine to create the most rewarding, secure and nurturing lifestyle possible for our residents.

We understand the concern families feel about ensuring quality of life for loved ones. That’s why, at Bridges® by EPOCH, we offer a wellness-centered lifestyle that focuses on reinforcing individual strength, so residents enjoy heightened confidence and self-esteem. Ultimately, we provide everything residents need to thrive and rediscover a life with purpose.

Inspiration for Success

At our Bridges® by EPOCH communities, we work closely with families to gain necessary insight and deeper understanding into the lives of our residents upon admission. With this initial information, along with what our exceptional team members learn about our residents each and every day, we are best prepared to provide highly individualized programming for our residents.