One of the most difficult parts of the dementia journey is when your loved one ceases to remember who you are.
“This is when many family members truly feel that their loved one is no longer ‘there,’ even though they are present physically,” says Erica Labb, Executive Director of Bridges® by EPOCH at Westford. “It’s a great loss, and it’s natural to want to pull away and perhaps not visit your loved one as much. However, it’s important to remember that there are still opportunities for you to bond and spark joy with your loved one.”
Loss of recognition occurs most often in the middle to late stages of dementia. It often begins as a gradual thing, such as forgetting someone’s name or how they are related to the person. Eventually, the loss becomes more severe as the disease progresses and your loved one’s abilities deteriorate. At the same time, other unwanted behaviors like anxiety, paranoia and agitation often surface at the same time as loss of recognition. This can make the loss even harder since Mom or Dad may be scared of you when you visit because you’re a “stranger.”
Erica explains that maintaining a relationship is still important for you and your loved one. “Although the relationship will shift, the core is still there, and the happy emotions will remain with you and your loved one – even if they forget the interaction after you leave.”
Why Doesn’t My Loved One Recognize Me?
As a progressive brain disease, dementia causes brain cells to die off gradually, which is why abilities and memory deteriorate – as those areas of the brain die off, so do your loved one’s memory, motion and other abilities.
Memory loss is one of the big reasons your loved one has stopped recognizing you, but it’s not the only one. They could be experiencing a delusion or paranoia, which is common in dementia. The confusion could also be due to delirium, which is an underlying cause that can manifest from infections, dehydration, infection or other health issues. Or the issue could be caused by vision issues, meaning that your loved one simply can’t see you well enough to recognize you.
Tips for When Your Loved One Doesn’t Recognize You
Gently remind them who you are. When you’re visiting your loved one, announce yourself in a functional, helpful way. For example, say: “Hi Mom; it’s Gail, your daughter.” This may or may not help them remember, but the connection will spark a sense of “belonging,” even if it’s not a conscious recognition.
Know how to respond in certain situations. It’s hard when your spouse doesn’t remember you anymore, and it’s a natural response to try and explain the facts. Unfortunately, logic and facts don’t bring any clarity for someone with dementia and only cause confusion and anxiety. Instead of explaining, redirect the person’s attention and talk about neutral things, such as what they’re wearing or making observations about what you see.
Validate their reality. If your loved one thinks you’re “mom” or “dad,” practice validation therapy by going with the flow. Ask questions about that particular person, giving your loved one the chance to share those memories from long ago. Hopefully, this will be a pleasant experience that will bring up happy memories.
Don’t get upset or angry. Your loved one can’t help that they don’t remember you. It’s a symptom of the disease, not a reflection on who they are. If you must blame something, blame the disease – not your loved one.
Find ways to connect to the past. Since long-ago memories are the last ones to disappear, bringing along prompts that remind your loved one of those times can be very beneficial. An old scrapbook or home movies can be wonderful ways to connect. You can also create a playlist of favorite songs from your loved one’s past. Many studies have shown that music is tied to a part of our brains that stays pure even as dementia progresses, allowing meaningful memories to be unlocked and enjoyed.
Acknowledge your feelings and the loss of what you’re experiencing. Even if you’ve been preparing yourself for this day, no one is ever really “ready.” Be kind to yourself, acknowledge your emotions and give yourself space to grieve. This is a natural step along the dementia journey path, as is what you’re feeling.
Comprehensive Memory Care
Bridges® by EPOCH at Westford delivers highly specialized memory care assisted living for those with Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia. Our resident-centered approach focuses on providing dignity, purpose and moments of joy in daily life for those in all stages of the disease. We offer a wellness-focused lifestyle that centers around a resident’s current skills and abilities, not those that have been lost to dementia.
Life-Enriching Programs
Our team members take an active role in getting to know each resident on a personal level to deliver programming that is meaningful to them. We account for the preferences, interests, needs and abilities of our residents to connect with them and encourage their involvement in daily life and boost self-esteem.
Warm, Residential Atmosphere
Featuring a stunning residential design, every inch of our community has been designed to benefit those with memory loss. Attributes such as soft colors, directional cues and aromatherapy create a soothing and secure environment where residents feel comfortable, safe and at home.
Bridges® by EPOCH is New England’s largest stand-alone memory care assisted living provider.
Contact us today to learn more.