Families are complicated, and when a parent is diagnosed with a dementia like Alzheimer’s disease, those complications can turn into big conflicts that make a stressful time even more difficult. Oftentimes, long-standing issues can bubble up, causing stress, heartache and headache for everyone involved.
“No two families have the same dynamic, but we’ve found that there are many similar issues that families dealing with dementia will fight about,” says Amanda Jillson, Executive Director at Bridges® by EPOCH at Nashua, a memory care assisted living community in Nashua, NH. This can be especially trying for the adult child who’s serving as the primary caregiver to their aging parent.
“Unfortunately, just like dealing with the realities of dementia, dealing with the realities of familial conflicts are something you may have to deal with,” says Amanda. “However, there are many helpful tools and approaches you can use to communicate to your siblings when you are butting heads, and with patience and understanding, you can move forward to providing the best care possible for your aging parent.”
Injustice and Money
No matter what your conflicts with your siblings are about, there are two underlying themes that link the majority of sibling arguments: injustice and money.
Injustice usually manifests when one sibling is shouldering the burden of care, or feels like they are. This can cause the primary caregiver to become resentful and feel anger towards siblings who aren’t doing “their fair share.” It’s also easy to become bitter when faraway siblings don’t understand or appreciate how much work the caregiver is doing.
It’s no secret that money is one of the biggest issues that families fight about. In the instance of dementia, money issues can range from how to pay for Mom’s care to losing money due to quitting a job to become a caretaker full time and so much more. Caregiving can be financially taxing, and dementia is not a cheap disease to have. As time moves on, animosity can grow between siblings if one sibling feels like the caregiver is spending too much of Mom’s money on care, or if the other sibling feels like they’re paying out of their own pocket more than the others.
Specific Issues That Cause Conflict
What else causes conflict between family members? The list can seem practically endless, but here are some of the most common issues that cause siblings to snipe at each other:
- Caregiving. How will Mom or Dad get the help they need? Should they stay in their home? Move to an adult child’s home? Move into a memory care community? Who will be responsible for taking him or her to doctor’s appointments, arranging care, organizing for caregivers, etc?
- Splitting up the burden of work. Are all the siblings pulling their own weight? Does one sibling shoulder the brunt of the responsibility? Are other siblings ignoring or being dismissive of what’s needed?
- Downsizing the family home. What should happen to family possessions when Mom or Dad have to sell their home? Who gets what? What should happen to the proceeds from a house sale?
- Finances. How will care be paid for? Who will handle the finances if and when your parents can no longer manage it? What will you do if the money runs out and your parent still needs care?
- Safety and security. If Mom or Dad are still living at home, how will the space be made safe for them? Who will check in on them? What will happen when he or she can no longer live safely by themselves?
- Medical decisions. Who will make judgment calls about Mom or Dad’s care when they can no longer make decisions for themselves? What sort of treatment or end-of-life care should be considered?
How to Deal with Sibling Disputes
There is no one simple trick to solving arguments between siblings. In fact, many arguments may never be resolved but simply worked through. No matter how it ends up, consistent and clear communication is essential. Here are some tips you can use to improve communication between you and your siblings during a conflict:
- Hold a family meeting. Having everyone in the room – physically or digitally – makes it easier to hold a frank, honest and open discussion about your parent’s needs. Remember that it may take more than one family meeting to work through the issues and plans.
- Stress empathy. While you can’t control your sibling’s feelings or reactions, you can choose to be understanding and empathetic to what they’re experiencing. This is a stressful time, and giving each other grace will help smooth the way.
- Have others take on responsibilities they’re good at. Is your brother a financial whiz? Great, let him manage the finances and paying bills. Does your sister work full-time but is an excellent organizer? Have her be the point person for scheduling doctor’s visits, coordinating visits to different memory care communities or interviewing in-home help.
- Be realistic in your expectations. You may have, shall we say, “difficult” siblings. That doesn’t mean you can’t attempt to get him or her to help out. Tailor your expectations to what you know about each person so you don’t set yourself up for disappointment.
- Choose your battles. If you find yourself arguing over things that really won’t affect your loved one’s quality of life, sometimes it’s worth it to simply bite your lip.
- Include your parent in the decision-making. If Mom or Dad are still able to make decisions, they should be included in your conversations. Remember, everything you’re discussing is about their life, and they have the right to have a say in it.
- Bring in a third party. If you find that you’re having arguments about the same things over and over, or you’re not able to make headway in making decisions, it might be worth having a neutral third party facilitate your conversation.
Remember to Focus on What’s Important
Disagreements are par for the course when it comes to dealing with dementia, says Amanda, and it’s important to remember that ultimately only one thing matters: providing the best possible care for your parent.
“While we can’t affect how our siblings will react, we can choose how we will react,” she says. “Remember that this is a difficult time for everyone and it’s okay to disagree and be fearful for the future. As long as you and your siblings focus on keeping your parent at the center of your decisions, you will ultimately come to the best possible solutions for you and your loved one.”
A Fulfilling Lifestyle
Bridges® by EPOCH at Nashua provides assisted living memory care that is comfortable, positive, safe and engaging. Exclusively dedicated to caring for those with Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia or memory impairment, we’ve created a wellness-focused lifestyle that promotes dignity and individual preferences. Our memory care professionals receive specialized and ongoing training designed to help residents maximize their independence in a secure, calm environment – making a truly positive impact on the lives of our residents each and every day.
Many Services, One Monthly Fee
Our dedicated memory care and services celebrate life and support each resident’s individual strengths. No matter what stage of memory loss a resident may be experiencing, their family can be sure that with us, their loved one is safe, secure and happy.
Stunning, Purpose-Built Design
Featuring a stunning design and luxuries only a new community can offer, Bridges® by EPOCH at Nashua is so much more than a beautiful place to live . . . It’s a community with a singular focus: enrich the lives of our residents and help their families enjoy meaningful relationships with them. Our evidence-based design features attributes that make life easier for those with memory loss: soft colors, directional cues, aromatherapy and interactive life stations.
Contact us today to learn more.